I just got a nice head rub in the park by a 12 year old. It was quite sweet and thoughtful. He accidentally hit me in the face with his soccer ball. He apologized profusely but perhaps thought I didn’t speak Spanish so he rubbed my head and fixed my hair.
Most action I’ve had in a while.
Did I expect this not to be hard? Because that would have been foolish. Honestly, I think I was too scared to think about what I would do after I lost my virginity and was exactly where I started. Truth is, this sucks too. Just as lonely.
Shy Guy wants me back. I don’t trust him and honestly, I don’t know if I ever could. I may go back to him. Just to…have someone and stop feeling so lonely. But my pride won’t let me go back without “looking around” first. I sense that being with him might be just as lonely as here. How we fuck each other up in our quest for peace and companionship.
You’ll have to excuse me. I’m feeling haggard and worn of fighting with myself. Not that it’s all been bad. Random vagina play in a taxi/beach/street/bar was fun. The next day of shame was not. Apparently I am still a freak, virgin or not. But the angry condeming voices went away after a night of sleep. I suppose we can call that progress.
Sitting in a bar, attempting to wax poetic about it does not.
What happens if all I do is add to my numbers, fuck up a few more people and get some more baggage only to be right here still? What the fuck do we do then?
That is the question that keeps me up at night. When does THIS stop and will it ever?
But those questions are certainly not going to be answered tonight. No fucking manual telling me what to do and how to get what I want. Maybe when I’m done I’ll write it. In the meantime, alcohol and the weekend prospects will have to suffice.
2 months, 18 days and counting. If I had testicles, I’m pretty sure they would have shriveled up and fallen off from lack of use. I can feel my libido gasping its last dying breath.
It’s still just as scary as the first time. I meet lots of guys. 75% turn me off in the first few minutes with overly aggressive come-ons or just general drunken foolishness. Is it too much to ask for some normal conversation without someone leering at me like a hungry lion? Seems the other 25% are either disinterested or too shy to do something about it. I was always interested in shier guys, just based on the fact that they generally have gentler approaches. In the long run, I would probably be less compatible with someone like that but I just can’t get past the beginning with the rest.
I seem to have this problem in any continent I go to, leading to the thought that it’s actually me that is the problem. I seriously don’t understand how other people get together.
Re: Shy Guy
6:39:05 PM JS: YES: fail.
6:39:40 PM JS: It’s not enough to have a live penis; he must have the balls to keep you.
6:39:48 PM JS: Embroider that on a pillow.
