Did I expect this not to be hard? Because that would have been foolish. Honestly, I think I was too scared to think about what I would do after I lost my virginity and was exactly where I started. Truth is, this sucks too. Just as lonely.
Shy Guy wants me back. I don’t trust him and honestly, I don’t know if I ever could. I may go back to him. Just to…have someone and stop feeling so lonely. But my pride won’t let me go back without “looking around” first. I sense that being with him might be just as lonely as here. How we fuck each other up in our quest for peace and companionship.
You’ll have to excuse me. I’m feeling haggard and worn of fighting with myself. Not that it’s all been bad. Random vagina play in a taxi/beach/street/bar was fun. The next day of shame was not. Apparently I am still a freak, virgin or not. But the angry condeming voices went away after a night of sleep. I suppose we can call that progress.
Sitting in a bar, attempting to wax poetic about it does not.
What happens if all I do is add to my numbers, fuck up a few more people and get some more baggage only to be right here still? What the fuck do we do then?
That is the question that keeps me up at night. When does THIS stop and will it ever?
But those questions are certainly not going to be answered tonight. No fucking manual telling me what to do and how to get what I want. Maybe when I’m done I’ll write it. In the meantime, alcohol and the weekend prospects will have to suffice.
