what to write? I’m off the Online Dating train and can’t say i miss the stress of it. It wasn’t happening last time. Granted I was a little preoccupied with theman of many ”WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!!”’s (more about him later, he deserves his own space) and didn’t put as much into it as I could have. And to be fair, I was A LOT preoccupied.

Part of me is considering doing it again but we’ll see. For now, we’re going au natural. It’s not really happening. When the above mentioned PMP was around, I was hot like Christina, getting hit on left and right. Also like a one hit wonder, the tables turned pretty quickly. Now only the over 50’s are hitting on me. I think I’m generally disenchanted with all the guys I meet. It’s like they all wear a sign over their head that reads their rap sheet: pothead, drunk, womanizer, asshole, lazy and underachiever etc.

blah!

anyway, aforementioned gentleman.

First off, he was HOT. And super bold and passionate. Which up’s the hot factor exponetially. I mean the whole thing started when he practically attacked me in the bathroom of a bar so what did I expect? But I did actually do my research on him before all this. I checked around on the streets and he came out clean; no drugs, no major issues.

Well, the streets were wrong.

Shall I list them?
-Illegal(this doesn’t bother me, but it would bother the parents).
-not really going anywhere with his life (most likely due to limited options- see above)
-Full blown alchy. Like I’m not sure when I’ve even seen you sober, alchy.
-Cokehead. Um hello? how did i not know about this? major issue.
-and for the deal breaker…..a giant pussy.

To be fair I should also list the attributes that attracted me, aside from being hot and passionate about everything he did.
-He was extremely caring and gentle.
-he had a vulnerable side that shocked me. Sometimes, he looked so “laid bare” in front of me.
-excellent listener, he always paid attention and remembered what i said. Very easy to talk to.
-handled my own freakish behavior very well, was so sweet and understanding despite me leading him on (not sure if I’m really to divulge into this here).
-had an amazing heart

Let me rant on the “giant pussy” issue for a moment. I have no idea why this is so common amongst the men i meet, they all seem so paralyzed and terrified of living itself. This is the reason I think why he couldn’t move past his addictions, he was scared to quit drinking because then he would not have an excuse about not doing anything with himself.

He also pulled the whole “my life is a disaster, i can’t in good conscience drag you into it” line which while is TRUE, is just an excuse. he was scared. I know it. I hate when people pull that line, like they know what i need.

but anyway again, i had to cut him off, stop myself from calling him. I’m still wondering if that was the right decision but i’m going with it being best. nothing was going to change with him and i was just getting myself into trouble. i’m hoping 2009 holds healthier decisions for me. and more action.