Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

So everything’s in place. Got my visa, got a plane ticket. Apparently I’m really going back to Ecuador. Trying to keep my head in a good place with this deal with Shy Guy although becoming increasingly difficult with it getting closer. To make matters worse, I heard a pretty safe rumour that some Danish girl is trying to make her move on him. Fan-fucking-tastic. Apparently he’s not that into it but it’s still intimidating and makes me insecure. She’s way hotter than me. I cannot imagine why anyone would rather be with me over someone else anyway so this just makes it more difficult.

I am sure that I will have to deal with a lot of this when the time comes and I’m really kind of worried and pre-depressed over it. (i totally do that, i get pre-depressed over situations, assuming the worst will happen.)

There are just so many things that could go wrong. What if I’m misunderstanding him and he’s not really into me. What if he changes his mind or pulls one of his “freakouts” which is totally possible.

Well, lots of things can happen. But… I decided to ball up and take a risk, for MYSELF, no one else and this, I suppose, is a part of it. I can let situations like this make me weak or I can hold my shit together and take whatever comes. I can be bigger than this. Argggg…

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

aaaaannnnnd breathe.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Planning planning planning.

SIDEBAR: DEAR GOD, I SWEAR I WILL NEVER HAVE A WEDDING. THAT WORD WILL BE BANNED FROM THE VOCABULARY OF ANY MARRAIGE-LIKE EVENT I MAY HAVE.

annnnnd breathe again.

Having a bit of trouble finding time for myself (or work for that matter.) My sister is not stressed which is FANTASTIC. Unfortunately I am. But only two more weeks and then I am free again to move wherever and be with whomever.

Speaking of whomever…still talking often to shy guy. I am still going through the motions and remaining somewhat disconnected from it all in the process, like I am watching it from outside going, “seriously, this cannot be happening.” Preposterous! But…it does seem to be happening and it is looking like I will be returning and am presently applying for a visa- which by the way is a pain in the ass- how could they not want me???

I am still preparing myself for the worst case scenario, as this is generally the ONLY scenario I ever see. I suppose this is a way to protect myself or a form of realism, I don’t know. But needless to say, I was a little shocked when shy guy suggested that I live with him when I come back. I’m still getting used to the idea that he wants me to come back, let alone plans to talk to me when I get there. How will he freak out and pretend he doesn’t know me if I am in his bed?

Still holding out for the possibility of a freakout on his part- like I said, worst case scenario.

But excited about a possible new chapter of my life as well…or I would be if you could get me to admit that it is actually happening.

Posted in PMP and their drama | No Comments »

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

Just had lunch with some church folk. Didn’t totally freak out which is good I suppose. There’s actually some freedom in being done with the religious stuff. I don’t feel guilty because there is nothing to feel guilty about anymore. I good friend suggested that I be cautious with my honesty. Honesty should be done to the benefit and uplifting of the one with whom you are sharing, and not soley for your benefit as it often can be. Interesting words.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »