How does one decide what to allow and what not to allow? How does one decide who to sleep with and who not to sleep with? I feel totally lost these days on how to navigate these waters.

Everyone seems to think that Shy Guy is playing me. He doesn’t believe that he is the only. How not, I don’t know and frankly it is starting to really piss me off. I suspect that he is just terrified. Perhaps some trust issues. Terrified? Well I can handle that I think. Playing me? No.

But how to know the difference. And even if he just terrified, does that mean he’ll ever get past it? How does one know these things? Know when to take a risk and and when you are beating your head against a wall?

Sex complicates things. How am I supposed to know how to handle these situations, what to ask for and what to hold out for? I have no experience in these situations and sometimes, I just want to do things that may be wrong or that I know may turn out poorly, just to know that they turn out poorly.

Shy Guy, well there is some discrepancy with what is going on. We are in disagreement with the terms of the relationship or lack there of I should say. Part of me wants to hold out for what I really want, and part of me just wants to do what I want for this moment, is scared to say no, and scared to demand things for myself.

He asked to come over tonight. There is a part of me that knows it is wrong but i am doing it anyway. Why is that? I want to make this decision for myself. I want to know what the situation really is, even if the truth hurts. This is my own rebellion against myself, my own learning period where i must test everything. Why is it that I need that?

But I do. I am sick of things being forced down my throat, even if they come from myself. I am sick of others making decisions for me and doing what I am supposed to do. I want to KNOW for sure why I should or shouldn’t do something. Perhaps that is foolishness. But I will persist in foolishness until I know better. Stubborn and foolish I am.

6 Months. If I were home, that length of time would be nothing. It would be unmarked and empty of anything notable. But away from home? It feels like it stretches forever. It feels like an end, a shift, a change from which I will never return.

It seems almost everyone close to me has an idea of what is best for me. Perhaps they are sensing this shift, which in reality is a shift in me. Subtle questions that reveal disappointment, fear and uncertainty. They are always well-meaning. Their ideas are just a desire for what is best for me combined with a dash of a selfish desire to have me close, neither of which can I fault.

Nonetheless, I cannot help feeling slightly rankled by the projection of their plans, projection of their idea of who I am upon my life. Haven’t I said enough that this is what I want? I repeat it over and over, trying to be gentle and compassionate until it becomes my mantra, my broken record and i would have to go even if I changed my mind- just to prove my point.

In reality, they don’t even understand the half of it. I am scared. And nervous. There is so much UNKNOWN. Even my own mind is unknown to me. And boyfriend? Well fuck, let’s hope the learning curve on that one is quick, that is if, IF, it should pan out.

Not even going there today.