The other day, I missed God.

Like I would miss my best friend or my sister if I had been away for a while. It was a strange feeling. I am not sure what exactly it was I missed. Perhaps the security, the answers, the comfort of knowing that my fate is not doomed. The idea of being infinitely loved. But it came in a time when I needed to make some decisions and I had no idea what steps would be best.

That is the problem with leaving behind the religion of your youth. You are now expected to stand on your own two feet and make decisions other adults have been making for years except you, well you’ve always had a mystic being to refer to…and to blame. Now there’s no one but you.

Things with Shy Guy have been…well interesting and chaotic. He is the most unique person I have ever met and I’m unsure how to handle him. I am having trouble figuring out what is going on in his head. He says that he wants to be with me, but that he wants to keep it “as is” which is basically a secret. On paper, this is something that I am not okay with and would never allow. Twice now, I have “cut him off” because of this reason but keep taking him back.

The other night, we were talking about it, a conversation that he started and that I really didn’t want to have. It wasn’t so much the words that struck me, but it was the way he said them. They came out in an anxious torrent that surprised me. At one point, he misunderstood something I said, or jumped to conclusions I don’t know, but basically he thought I was telling him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. His face, he looked like he was about to cry and then literally ran out of my room.

Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe he doesn’t give a shit and I am selling myself short (whatever that means) but…I want to know what is “in there.” I suspect he is mostly just terrified but I can’t really be sure- perhaps I am just being played. So for now, I’m allowing it, against logic.