Friday, April 9th, 2010

I’d love to say it was a moment of weakness. Or someone else made me do it. Unfortunately both of those would be untrue. Can’t say I regret it either. Kind of glad I did it although it totally makes me THAT GIRL.

I was 90% sure he was lying to me, 99.5% sure it was never going to go past where it was. Mostly, I was curious. I wanted to know how good my instincts were.

So I did it. I read his facebook.

And for the record, my instincts are damn good. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little disappointed- I am. Surprised, no.

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Thursday, April 8th, 2010

Truth Moment: I’m terrified of number 2, of being in the multiple partner character. This scares me almost as much as getting past number one.

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Sunday, April 4th, 2010

Happy Easter readers. I must admit, i miss home and my family intensely right now, partly I’m sure because of the holidays.

This is also my first easter being…religionless? i have no idea what to call myself. But it has passed with little religious significance. I remember a year or two back realizing that it didn’t mean much then either or that I didn’t “feel” the significance of it. the beginning of the end.

There is one morsel that perhaps I can take from it…be it what it is. My pastor from New York wrote on twitter on Saturday that he was an atheist. Of course, i was interested to know what he meant. His response: “on Saturday in the passion story, God is dead. Atheism is a part of Christianity, and we have run from it for 2000 years.”

I don’t think that I am an atheist. I don’t think I could survive that. But I do wonder if sometimes we don’t allow a place for doubt and disbelief in our lives and in the church. And in cutting it off, we marginalize parts of ourself and parts of the fold. Is there still a place for me somewhere? Is this my Saturday period? Or am I and will I always be Saturday.

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heart in a closet…

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

So been trying the whole casual sex thing, see what’s it’s all about. I had had a theory that its a nice idea but always fails in implementation and that is ringing true.

This last time, afterwards, I was super upset but not sure why. It’s like my head was fine and didn’t understand what the problem was but my heart was hiding in the closet saying, “don’t make me do it anymore, please don’t make me.”

Pretty fucking ugly.

Casual sex requires a certain amount of acting and illusion. No one wants to admit that what you are doing is going nowhere. That’s not fun at all. So we pretend that something is there. We act the part. Unfortunately I’ve never been very good at that.

I thought I would try it and see how it goes. I thought I would protect myself and keep myself and by doing so, I killed the illusion. I broke the rules and ruined the game. It felt like a physical and visual reminder of what I don’t have, with every word he was saying, “as i won’t love you, no one will ever love you.” My head said something is better than nothing. My heart said otherwise. what now, I don’t know. i believe we have reached an impasse.

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