Why is home so difficult? I start to not like the person I am and become that person that I am afraid i might be. Does that sentence even make sense? The fact is that I am happiest in South America. I flourish there.

There I can be myself, live my life and explore whatever I need to explore. So much of my life, things have been shoved down my throat and I swallowed all of it whole. Hook line sinker. But there…I don’t have to be anything except me. It can be summed up best in one word: freedom.

Freedom feels exactly what I need right now. I need space—apparently a few continent’s worth—to make my own choices. I have no idea if they are the right choices but for ONCE i need to make them myself.

I think finally it might be over. It got to be so stressful and frustrated that I just wanted it over in whatever way possible. I told him what a dick he’s been and to give me back what he owed so I can wash my hands of the situation and move on.

And that is what I plan to do. I feel like i need to get “back on that horse” quickly before I lose any momentum I might have had.

This sums up my mantra for the past few months. Don’t be scared. Don’t run away. But don’t be stupid.

The drama continues…

My options right now. I’ve got the “worst fuck buddy ever”- the man who is sweet and generally good hearted and compassionate but lacks the balls to talk to me in public. I have another who is a great person, aside from the fact that he cheats on all his girlfriends. He is never going to get his chance but still won’t. stop. trying. And I’ve got sweater boy who is everything WFBE is not; stable, mature, obviously infatuated with me and boring as hell. He wears a sweater around his neck to go clubbing. He was literally down on his knees on the concrete the other night, begging me for just a second of my time. Sweet or sad, I’m still not sure.

I’ve known it to be true; I’m a sucker for an emotional disaster and right now that’s exactly what I feel like. A sucker. I’m so fucking tired of the drama with this one. Yes, no, back and forth. The other night he was upset because I was dancing with a bunch of our friends. I calmly told him that I would love to dance with him if he wanted and if not, than i will dance with whomever I please. So last night, he danced about 5 feet away for about an hour. It looked like he was trying but just couldn’t. I want it to end and I don’t care how.

Relationships are so frickin’ confusing. Seriously. A few weeks ago I broke up with my non-relationship fuck buddy because I felt like I wanted more in my life; I deserved more. It was too easy to just keep sleeping with him and if i was with him, even in a limited manner, I would never look for more. That and sleeping with someone with no commitment is awful. Shitty Shitty Awful.

I’ve been “polling the community” on casual sex, trying to figure out what people think about it and a friend said that in his experience after a while one or the other ends up getting attached. At the time I wasn’t sure which it would be. He’s so sensitive, I’m partly afraid of hurting him as well. But the real question here is…why is that a problem? I felt ashamed when that was me. But why should I be ashamed of caring for someone? Of wanting more?

The real reason I did it though? …I was scared. The last few weeks had been getting better. He was more affectionate, was pursuing me more…it felt like something changed and I was scared of how I was starting to feel. If I had been stronger, i would have at least asked him and not taken the pussy way (text message, I SUCK.)

I was fine. Of course I missed him. But I knew it was the best decision for me. But I was a little surprised that the next day he deleted me as a friend on facebook. Seriously?

He had been on a drinking binge for days and refused to even look at me in town. He wrote me a sad and guilty sounding email saying he was sorry but respected my decision. Despite this “respecting my decision,” it was obvious that he was upset. I sent a quick note saying if he wanted to talk, we could. I was prepared to stop being a pussy, state my case, that it was all or nothing, and have him tell me that he didn’t want that and that would be the end of it.

Well it didn’t go that way. He comes, sits down and says that all he wants is to “enjoy his life with me.” There was lots of yelling and arguing. He was super upset when I suggested that all he wanted from me was sex. After him freaking out and ranting for 20 minutes, I calmly asked him what he had expected me to think based on the circumstances. He agreed. I think that in his mind, we were together, just secret. He was offended when I didn’t know that. While it was never what I wanted, I had convinced myself that it was just sex. I had been protecting myself. Shouldn’t I have been? That is the problem with casual sex. I want to be in a safe place. Casual sex is far from safe.

But I balled up and told him what I wanted. I want a boyfriend. Someone to spend time with. Someone that talks to me in front of other people. My ghost. To my shock, he agreed. “Como tu quieres.” Actually it was “COMO TU QUIERES” the first night and much gentler two days later.

And then he went on vacation for two weeks. And that is where I am now. Waiting. again. Oh the drama of my life.

I’m fairly skeptical of him being able to be what I want, having his shit together enough to do so. But at least I know I know he gives a shit. I’m resolved on either getting out or getting what I want. No more middle ground.