6 Months. If I were home, that length of time would be nothing. It would be unmarked and empty of anything notable. But away from home? It feels like it stretches forever. It feels like an end, a shift, a change from which I will never return.
It seems almost everyone close to me has an idea of what is best for me. Perhaps they are sensing this shift, which in reality is a shift in me. Subtle questions that reveal disappointment, fear and uncertainty. They are always well-meaning. Their ideas are just a desire for what is best for me combined with a dash of a selfish desire to have me close, neither of which can I fault.
Nonetheless, I cannot help feeling slightly rankled by the projection of their plans, projection of their idea of who I am upon my life. Haven’t I said enough that this is what I want? I repeat it over and over, trying to be gentle and compassionate until it becomes my mantra, my broken record and i would have to go even if I changed my mind- just to prove my point.
In reality, they don’t even understand the half of it. I am scared. And nervous. There is so much UNKNOWN. Even my own mind is unknown to me. And boyfriend? Well fuck, let’s hope the learning curve on that one is quick, that is if, IF, it should pan out.
Not even going there today.
