The other day, I missed God.
Like I would miss my best friend or my sister if I had been away for a while. It was a strange feeling. I am not sure what exactly it was I missed. Perhaps the security, the answers, the comfort of knowing that my fate is not doomed. The idea of being infinitely loved. But it came in a time when I needed to make some decisions and I had no idea what steps would be best.
That is the problem with leaving behind the religion of your youth. You are now expected to stand on your own two feet and make decisions other adults have been making for years except you, well you’ve always had a mystic being to refer to…and to blame. Now there’s no one but you.
Things with Shy Guy have been…well interesting and chaotic. He is the most unique person I have ever met and I’m unsure how to handle him. I am having trouble figuring out what is going on in his head. He says that he wants to be with me, but that he wants to keep it “as is” which is basically a secret. On paper, this is something that I am not okay with and would never allow. Twice now, I have “cut him off” because of this reason but keep taking him back.
The other night, we were talking about it, a conversation that he started and that I really didn’t want to have. It wasn’t so much the words that struck me, but it was the way he said them. They came out in an anxious torrent that surprised me. At one point, he misunderstood something I said, or jumped to conclusions I don’t know, but basically he thought I was telling him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. His face, he looked like he was about to cry and then literally ran out of my room.
Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe he doesn’t give a shit and I am selling myself short (whatever that means) but…I want to know what is “in there.” I suspect he is mostly just terrified but I can’t really be sure- perhaps I am just being played. So for now, I’m allowing it, against logic.
Kristy Lee, kick this guy to the curb and see what happens! trust me, cut him off completely keep your day full and fun, make new friends and I bet you $100 he will make more efforts to be real with you. Even if it’s an act that you’re living a full fun life without him, do it! Trust me. Guys don’t work hard for things given to them.
It hurts me to know how you’re hurting and that he’s so immature. I know that you know that you deserve more, but you’ve never actually HAD more. I know you’re good for him, KL; the care-taker, the put up with everyone’s shit to get through it. Take your love and trust and hope and put it all towards YOU!! YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!!!! For once in your life KL it’s all about you!!!! Fuck him!! a secret!!!??? Bullshit!!!! If I had you for a girlfriend, I would shout that shit off from the mountain tops!!!
Oh I’m sure he’s nice and kind and I know him being your first makes it even harder, but you have to muster all the strength you have and move on. for now. He’ll come around, and by the time he does, you’ll either be ready, or you’ll have already had so many different sexual partners, you’ll barely remember him! ha ha ha ha!!! I love you KL soo much. you will get through this. Enjoy the emotional, painful, exciting, and dramatic ride! this is what you signed up for, remember?
oh ps we just found out that Olivia is going to have a sister!