So been trying the whole casual sex thing, see what’s it’s all about. I had had a theory that its a nice idea but always fails in implementation and that is ringing true.
This last time, afterwards, I was super upset but not sure why. It’s like my head was fine and didn’t understand what the problem was but my heart was hiding in the closet saying, “don’t make me do it anymore, please don’t make me.”
Pretty fucking ugly.
Casual sex requires a certain amount of acting and illusion. No one wants to admit that what you are doing is going nowhere. That’s not fun at all. So we pretend that something is there. We act the part. Unfortunately I’ve never been very good at that.
I thought I would try it and see how it goes. I thought I would protect myself and keep myself and by doing so, I killed the illusion. I broke the rules and ruined the game. It felt like a physical and visual reminder of what I don’t have, with every word he was saying, “as i won’t love you, no one will ever love you.” My head said something is better than nothing. My heart said otherwise. what now, I don’t know. i believe we have reached an impasse.
