I was 90% sure he was lying to me, 99.5% sure it was never going to go past where it was. Mostly, I was curious. I wanted to know how good my instincts were.

So I did it. I read his facebook.

And for the record, my instincts are damn good. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little disappointed- I am. Surprised, no.

This last time, afterwards, I was super upset but not sure why. It’s like my head was fine and didn’t understand what the problem was but my heart was hiding in the closet saying, “don’t make me do it anymore, please don’t make me.”

Pretty fucking ugly.

Casual sex requires a certain amount of acting and illusion. No one wants to admit that what you are doing is going nowhere. That’s not fun at all. So we pretend that something is there. We act the part. Unfortunately I’ve never been very good at that.

I thought I would try it and see how it goes. I thought I would protect myself and keep myself and by doing so, I killed the illusion. I broke the rules and ruined the game. It felt like a physical and visual reminder of what I don’t have, with every word he was saying, “as i won’t love you, no one will ever love you.” My head said something is better than nothing. My heart said otherwise. what now, I don’t know. i believe we have reached an impasse.

Like I would miss my best friend or my sister if I had been away for a while. It was a strange feeling. I am not sure what exactly it was I missed. Perhaps the security, the answers, the comfort of knowing that my fate is not doomed. The idea of being infinitely loved. But it came in a time when I needed to make some decisions and I had no idea what steps would be best.

That is the problem with leaving behind the religion of your youth. You are now expected to stand on your own two feet and make decisions other adults have been making for years except you, well you’ve always had a mystic being to refer to…and to blame. Now there’s no one but you.

Things with Shy Guy have been…well interesting and chaotic. He is the most unique person I have ever met and I’m unsure how to handle him. I am having trouble figuring out what is going on in his head. He says that he wants to be with me, but that he wants to keep it “as is” which is basically a secret. On paper, this is something that I am not okay with and would never allow. Twice now, I have “cut him off” because of this reason but keep taking him back.

The other night, we were talking about it, a conversation that he started and that I really didn’t want to have. It wasn’t so much the words that struck me, but it was the way he said them. They came out in an anxious torrent that surprised me. At one point, he misunderstood something I said, or jumped to conclusions I don’t know, but basically he thought I was telling him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. His face, he looked like he was about to cry and then literally ran out of my room.

Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe he doesn’t give a shit and I am selling myself short (whatever that means) but…I want to know what is “in there.” I suspect he is mostly just terrified but I can’t really be sure- perhaps I am just being played. So for now, I’m allowing it, against logic.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Planning planning planning.

SIDEBAR: DEAR GOD, I SWEAR I WILL NEVER HAVE A WEDDING. THAT WORD WILL BE BANNED FROM THE VOCABULARY OF ANY MARRAIGE-LIKE EVENT I MAY HAVE.

annnnnd breathe again.

Having a bit of trouble finding time for myself (or work for that matter.) My sister is not stressed which is FANTASTIC. Unfortunately I am. But only two more weeks and then I am free again to move wherever and be with whomever.

Speaking of whomever…still talking often to shy guy. I am still going through the motions and remaining somewhat disconnected from it all in the process, like I am watching it from outside going, “seriously, this cannot be happening.” Preposterous! But…it does seem to be happening and it is looking like I will be returning and am presently applying for a visa- which by the way is a pain in the ass- how could they not want me???

I am still preparing myself for the worst case scenario, as this is generally the ONLY scenario I ever see. I suppose this is a way to protect myself or a form of realism, I don’t know. But needless to say, I was a little shocked when shy guy suggested that I live with him when I come back. I’m still getting used to the idea that he wants me to come back, let alone plans to talk to me when I get there. How will he freak out and pretend he doesn’t know me if I am in his bed?

Still holding out for the possibility of a freakout on his part- like I said, worst case scenario.

But excited about a possible new chapter of my life as well…or I would be if you could get me to admit that it is actually happening.

SIDEBAR: Sometimes speaking spanish feels like acting, I am just pretending that people understand me and that I understand them. Funny byproduct of that is that I do things I would normally be too scared to do. Just a game right? EXCEPT WHEN YOU LIVE THERE.

Anyway, not quite sure what to make of this and frankly baffled. No one EVER wants to be with me and I have no idea to handle the attention. And my first? That’s just preposterous! I do think that there is an element to explore here with my belief that good things happen only to other people. Why should I be exempt from good things? Why should someone NOT love me?