April 14th. The span of time between now and then is indicative in itself of the Sahara-like quality of my “love life” right now and if you’re short on time, feel free to stop reading here. You’ve got it all already.

But if you’re still here, than I have one little tidbit for you from the last few months. I got a very sweet and romantic text message proposal the other day. But before I tell you about that, let me tell you about the other three marriage proposals I have received in the last 30 years. The first two involved offered an exchange of goats and various other livestock. Being as I was under the legal marriage age and didn’t speak French, my “associates” turned down those offers and wisked me away to safer territory. The third promise was given with promises of “big house! I give you big house!” My first inclination at this was to laugh and I did and than walked away dragging my less experienced friend with me with her chin hitting the floor.

Well this one came with no grandiose promises BUT because of my supreme negotiating skills, I was able to trade my legal status in this country for these terms: small hut on the beach, a foreign passport and a pet monkey. Oh yeah, and I’m sure I could work out lots of sex too.

Despite those terms, the romantic in me, that near dormant dusty corner of my heart, isn’t quite satisfied. Is it too much to ask that someone love me BEFORE they ask me to marry them? Is it too much to ask that the person who I marry returns my phone calls? Or possibly reserves important questions such as that for perhaps even a phone call if not in person? Now THAT WOULD BE SHOCKING.

So I’ve been testing out a new dating theory. I seem to have a trend of picking the wrong guy all the time. So i thought to try and find the guy that is least attractive to me and go out with him.

The other night I met a guy at a party, he seemed nice enough and was respectable. Had moderate religious background. I didn’t find him very attractive but what the hell, we’ll test out the theory.

So when he asked me to meet him for drinks, I agreed. Picked a bar near my house but that i didn’t go to very often and told him to meet me there.

Well I soon learned a fatal flaw with this plan. When the unattractive guy turns out to also be an asshole, you don’t even have the consolation prize of him being hot. You’ve got NOTHING.

Here’s a little cut from the date:

“No, you cannot come home with me tonight.”

“What’s that? You think I’m pretty? Well thank you.”

“No, I’m still not sleeping with you tonight.”

Note to all men of the universe: buying a girl a drink does NOT entitle you to anything

At first I thought my ever-present angels of virture were out sick that night. Not only did I run into “The Vampire” but he was SINGLE. Recently broke up with a friend of mine….well not that good of a friend because i wasn’t about to let it get in the way.

He was looking hot as ever. I have no idea what it is about that boy that makes me want to drag him into a dark alley. Walking TEMPTATION. We started flirting instantly. Within the first 5 minutes I was thinking perhaps I should slow it down otherwise we might not finish the game in the allotted time.

Moved to the next bar where someone, I have no idea who, possessed my body and forced me to molest him right there at the bar. Something just came over me and when I realized what happened, i had to look at my hands and wonder who was controlling them because this little church girl certainly would never make such a bold move. I shocked even him which being a vampire and a manwhore, says a lot.

My minions and I went back to his house to continue the game. His advances got more direct, my resolve weakening….and just when I finally assented to “taking it upstairs” COCKBLOCKED from the sidelines. Oh the blissfullness of boys sometimes, completely unaware swept in and pulled me away from sweet temptation.

Those BASTARDS.

what to write? I’m off the Online Dating train and can’t say i miss the stress of it. It wasn’t happening last time. Granted I was a little preoccupied with theman of many ”WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!!”’s (more about him later, he deserves his own space) and didn’t put as much into it as I could have. And to be fair, I was A LOT preoccupied.

Part of me is considering doing it again but we’ll see. For now, we’re going au natural. It’s not really happening. When the above mentioned PMP was around, I was hot like Christina, getting hit on left and right. Also like a one hit wonder, the tables turned pretty quickly. Now only the over 50’s are hitting on me. I think I’m generally disenchanted with all the guys I meet. It’s like they all wear a sign over their head that reads their rap sheet: pothead, drunk, womanizer, asshole, lazy and underachiever etc.

blah!

anyway, aforementioned gentleman.

First off, he was HOT. And super bold and passionate. Which up’s the hot factor exponetially. I mean the whole thing started when he practically attacked me in the bathroom of a bar so what did I expect? But I did actually do my research on him before all this. I checked around on the streets and he came out clean; no drugs, no major issues.

Well, the streets were wrong.

Shall I list them?
-Illegal(this doesn’t bother me, but it would bother the parents).
-not really going anywhere with his life (most likely due to limited options- see above)
-Full blown alchy. Like I’m not sure when I’ve even seen you sober, alchy.
-Cokehead. Um hello? how did i not know about this? major issue.
-and for the deal breaker…..a giant pussy.

To be fair I should also list the attributes that attracted me, aside from being hot and passionate about everything he did.
-He was extremely caring and gentle.
-he had a vulnerable side that shocked me. Sometimes, he looked so “laid bare” in front of me.
-excellent listener, he always paid attention and remembered what i said. Very easy to talk to.
-handled my own freakish behavior very well, was so sweet and understanding despite me leading him on (not sure if I’m really to divulge into this here).
-had an amazing heart

Let me rant on the “giant pussy” issue for a moment. I have no idea why this is so common amongst the men i meet, they all seem so paralyzed and terrified of living itself. This is the reason I think why he couldn’t move past his addictions, he was scared to quit drinking because then he would not have an excuse about not doing anything with himself.

He also pulled the whole “my life is a disaster, i can’t in good conscience drag you into it” line which while is TRUE, is just an excuse. he was scared. I know it. I hate when people pull that line, like they know what i need.

but anyway again, i had to cut him off, stop myself from calling him. I’m still wondering if that was the right decision but i’m going with it being best. nothing was going to change with him and i was just getting myself into trouble. i’m hoping 2009 holds healthier decisions for me. and more action.