I love to write. And I think I might be good at it. It’s a way for me to process, a way for me to relate and clarify my thoughts and a way for me to connect as well. But like any artwork, it takes strength to put yourself out there like that, open to criticism. Right now I have about 5 blogs, all for various themes and various “clearance levels.” A family friendly one that anyone can read. My mom loves it. A dating one where I spout off in some sort of alter ego voice that is “need to know” only. A religious one. And one totally unknown one which has as far as i know, only been seen by me and perhaps google. This one is obviously the roughest. I write in a sort of stream of conscienceness style that requires no context no editing and no hiding.
I’m beginning to wonder if this is problem. I spend so much of my energy hiding and maintaining my castle walls, that I miss out of valuable opportunities, valuable relationships and who knows what else. I say I do it to protect myself and also to protect others. This is true and somewhat valid. But the real reason I do it is because I’m afraid. I’m afraid no one will accept the real me. Because I don’t accept her.
I’m so sick of this.
I’d like to hope that this blog can be a convergence of the others, an attempt at coming clean and being completely honest with myself and others. Being as I do not believe that we ever “arrive” I am aware of the naivety of this statement. Nonetheless, I think the attempt is valid in itself. Little by little, right?
