Most action I’ve had in a while.

Shy Guy wants me back. I don’t trust him and honestly, I don’t know if I ever could. I may go back to him. Just to…have someone and stop feeling so lonely. But my pride won’t let me go back without “looking around” first. I sense that being with him might be just as lonely as here. How we fuck each other up in our quest for peace and companionship.

You’ll have to excuse me. I’m feeling haggard and worn of fighting with myself. Not that it’s all been bad. Random vagina play in a taxi/beach/street/bar was fun. The next day of shame was not. Apparently I am still a freak, virgin or not. But the angry condeming voices went away after a night of sleep. I suppose we can call that progress.

Sitting in a bar, attempting to wax poetic about it does not.

What happens if all I do is add to my numbers, fuck up a few more people and get some more baggage only to be right here still? What the fuck do we do then?

That is the question that keeps me up at night. When does THIS stop and will it ever?

But those questions are certainly not going to be answered tonight. No fucking manual telling me what to do and how to get what I want. Maybe when I’m done I’ll write it. In the meantime, alcohol and the weekend prospects will have to suffice.

It’s still just as scary as the first time. I meet lots of guys. 75% turn me off in the first few minutes with overly aggressive come-ons or just general drunken foolishness. Is it too much to ask for some normal conversation without someone leering at me like a hungry lion? Seems the other 25% are either disinterested or too shy to do something about it. I was always interested in shier guys, just based on the fact that they generally have gentler approaches. In the long run, I would probably be less compatible with someone like that but I just can’t get past the beginning with the rest.

I seem to have this problem in any continent I go to, leading to the thought that it’s actually me that is the problem. I seriously don’t understand how other people get together.

6:39:05 PM JS: YES: fail.
6:39:40 PM JS: It’s not enough to have a live penis; he must have the balls to keep you.
6:39:48 PM JS: Embroider that on a pillow.

there is no shame in taking risks and failing
the only shame should be in being too scared to try

SG:Hello…
hello…

ME: hi..how are you?
I’m here.

SG:good and you?
Actually looking for something, not just checking to see if you are with other people.

ME: good. just got home.
I’m alone. Did not bring home another boy and am NOT seeing anyone else.

SG: Nice. you are going to sleep then?
So do you want to have sex?

ME: Don’t think so. Do you want to watch True Blood?
Yes, I would like you to come over.

SG: Ok. See you in a bit.

SIDEBAR: At this point, I go change and get ready for “visitors.” Apparently I had misunderstood the statement “I’ll see you in a bit.” to mean “I’ll see you in a bit” and not what it actually means is, “tell me how much you want me to come over.” I return in 5 minutes to the following messages:

SG: Do you want me to come or not?
How much do you want me to come over?

SG: Ok Fine. I’ll let you sleep.
You know, whatever. Didn’t really care either way.

SG: Have a good night. Sleep well.
SERIOUSLY DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.

SG: And HAVE A GOOD DAY TOMORROW!
BITCH!

I’ve got Shy Guy calling me drunkenly in the middle of the night attempting to confess…something through drunken slurs, a hippie asking me to “be his lover” before hello slips out of his mouth and the relentless pleas of a manwhore attempting to knock off the last corner of his scorecard. Slim pickin’s.

Despite the previous failed attempt, I think there is some validity to the theory. I had a moment the other night where I felt like my poor self-image had created the relationship that it thought it deserved and now that I have it, the reinforcement of the idea is so ugly, I can’t stand it or myself. Scary stuff I tell you.

But the GW is often pushing to do things like this and I usually refuse. this time I promised him I would, partly only to shut up all the “DO IT DO IT DO IT”’s. I will let you know how it goes.

“Most of my advances were by mistake. You uncover what is when you get rid of what isn’t.” —Buckminster Fuller

“I live on Earth at present, and I don’t know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I am not a thing — a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process – an integral function of the universe.” — Richard Buckminster Fuller

I read these two quotes on facebook, the conduit of all things wise. Lately I have been feeling some sort of late-coming guilt over the changes in my life. It’s not that I regret anything…its more that I can’t stop the voices in my head telling me I’m a failure, a dirty whore, whatever irrational thing that may come. Angry condemning voices. I suppose my present situation doesn’t entirely help. But things were just simpler when i had all the answers, didn’t have to think for myself and was so sure that I was on the “right side” of the fence.