I have no idea where I am. Not a fucking clue. After 30 years on earth, all i know is that I don’t know shit. This is incredibly terrifying. For the majority of my life, I thought I had all the answers. I knew where I was going, I knew up from down, right from wrong and I was steadfast in my opinion of almost everything.
Until it all fell apart.
In reality, nothing falls apart in an instant. It’s a slow process, small cracks in the wall until one day you realize that the foundation is gone and you have nothing. At least for me it was. It’s not like I woke up one day and realized I no longer believed in Christianity. It took years to be able to admit to anyone, even myself that what I once was so sure of, I wasn’t anymore. Who wants to face the reality that everything you knew was wrong? But even more that that, now I have to make my own decisions and face the consequences. I’m thirty years old and I feel completely ill-equipped to make life choices. I feel like a teenager.
There is no one to answer to but me. For someone who grew up under the leadership of church/God/family, this revelation can be shocking and liberating at the same time. I suspect it will take a few more years for me to stop metaphorically looking over my shoulder to see who’s watching.
